the end of an era

well, it started way back in high school, and i'm pretty sure it's done now, all these years later. the reason i haven't posted a lot is because things have sucked even more than usual lately and i didn't have anything to say worth writing about. jon and i have been fighting for a couple weeks now. it's a long story, one i don't particularly feel like telling right now, but mostly i think it dragged out over a couple weeks because of my stupid job and because we don't see each other during the week so we couldn't fix it. and now i am pretty sure we broke up, and unless things change over the upcoming week, i am supposed to move out saturday.

which sucks, frankly. i have no desire to do this. i think it's the stupidest thing either of us has done. but i can't seem to convince him. so unless all the problems in his head (which are according to him what is causing all of this) go away within a week, i don't know if it can be fixed. i told him if i leave, i am not coming back. i've done it once, i'm not playing that game with him again. i hope. i don't want to do this a third time. but i also don't want it to be over right now, so i don't know. maybe he'll come back, maybe i'll break down and let him, maybe we'll just break up.

either way, it's probably safe to say don't expect to see any posts anytime soon. i don't know how to be monica without jon anymore, so i imagine the next few weeks are going to suck, and i can't imagine i'll have a lot to say. i'll try to update when i'm not feeling horrible, but i don't know when that's going to be.

sorry, and love to everyone.

alexander.. had it worse, but still. oof.

well, today's been a bang-up day. i woke up late, which isn't a huge deal, but it put me off my schedule, which is kinda irritating. i stopped at the mailbox to make sure my job app that i left there overnight was gone and mailed -- just kidding, it's still there. i am glad i checked, since i thought i was just being silly making sure it was gone, but now i have to stop at the post office. turns out it needed 54 more cents, although i'm not even sure post office guy checked the box -- i didn't realize til later that i didn't do anything special to the box to signify that there was mail in it, so if we didn't get any, he may just not have checked the box at all. seriously, though, why on earth does it take 97 cents to mail a paper-sized envelope with 6 -- count 'em, 6 -- pieces of paper in it. is it that much heavier than if i'd folded them and put them in a regular envelope?

so i stop at the post office, pay the freaking 54 cents, and i'm on my way. my car is still obnoxiously loud, thanks to the new exhaust & muffler system i had to get in march that makes my 92 tempo sound like i'm running a diesel engine. sweet. i plan to call them next week about it.. i was going to call them this week, but the last time i went there they a) sold me this Goddamn loud exhaust system and b) tried to sell me $2,000ish worth of other maintenance. i guess they didn't realize that we bought the car for $2650. so if my car needs that much work, i'll probably just go try to buy a newer car. but anyway, i want to have my dad on call for this, and he's on his honeymoon in nh, so i am waiting to call them til next week. it's been loud since march, it can wait another week. but it's still irritating to hear. i mean, i already drive a beat-up car, but does it really have to sound like one too??

so right, i go to work. i find out i have one story to fill my entire local section. one story. um... not gonna work. then i find some photos sent over the fax from a photographer. handily, they go with my one story. unhandily (is that a word?), they are covered with instructions -- 'cover photo (if this is a cover story)', 'headline here' (with an arrow), 'don't crop this out', 'don't put text over this', 'more headline space here', etc. the other one says 'dominant inside photo' (as in, inside the paper, not the cover of the newspaper). so already, this is causing steam to come out my ears. this is an ongoing battle at work -- i think the photographers take too much liberty, and it irritates me. i feel like they are telling me how to do my job, and i find that offensive, especially since a lot of their "suggestions" (as my boss calls them) are really obvious things, implying that whoever is building the paper is a complete idiot and wouldn't know to not cut off an integral part of the picture. so i've had this conversation before with my boss, and i always lose. i lost so bad that he sent out a couple-page memo on treatment of photographs that i'm not even going to talk about because it made me want to tear my hair out. it was full of contradictions, and the main message was do what the photographers want so they'll give us more photos and be helpful.
now, my position on this is that it is their JOB to give us photos and be helpful. if they don't like it, if they don't like the way their pictures are cropped, if they don't like that there are occasionally words over the photos (this only ever happens on covers, btw, so maybe they should just be happy their photo is on the cover), then maybe they should go work for some other type of media. perhaps an art gallery. in a newspaper, the art (photos, graphics, etc) is there to accent the writing, not the other way around. i am not going to design a page around a photo. that is insane.
::breathes:: anyway. so i mistakenly take this to one of my bosses, explaining why i think sometimes the photographers go overboard -- cause this was excessive, even for them. in the ensuing conversation, well, suffice it to say i lost, again. but i didn't give in, and i maintained that it was offensive. i resent them telling me what to do. i don't tell them how to take their photographs, they shouldn't tell me how to design pages. i am the page designer, they are not. i actually enjoy designing pages, especially the cover. so the implication that i suck at it and need paint-by-number instructions irritates the living hell out of me. i even asked other editors and another photographer, and they all agreed it was crap. meanwhile, the boss just kept his position and got snippy.
awesome.

it turns out i didn't even use that photo on the cover anyway, though. it wasn't even to be vindictive, i just really thought the other photo was better. once i looked at them on the screen (the fax quality is crap, so you can't really tell what the photos are), i thought the second photo was a better cover, and i asked another boss over and without explaining which was which, i asked him which of the two he thought would be a better cover, and he agreed with me. so, inadvertently in your face, photographer. i suppose that's just a bonus, my cover looked great and the photographer gets burned. although again, their photo is on the cover of a newspaper, so it's not really a burn, is it?

it also turned out that i ended up having more than one story, so that was good. and they were all in early, so that was also good because it meant i got done early. so i guess at least that's good.

i was trying to decide whether or not to apply for another job i found online for a graphics editor/design editor. i emailed the contact person to ask if it was day or night hours -- since i'm trying to avoid night hours (like the plague, if you will) -- and she said it's mostly day with occasional night and weekend. i'm not thrilled, since i don't want to work nights and weekends, and it's in springfield, which is about 30-ish min, about what i'm driving now. i'd rather have a shorter commute, but i suppose the same is okay so long as i get mostly day hours. it's also journalism, which is good but bad, because i like what i do, but journalism kind of sucks as a career field. the pay is not usually great, the hours suck, places where the hours don't suck are scarce, and once you start climbing the ladder, you stop designing that many pages, and that's my favorite part of the whole job. and my very least favorite thing: you never get any holidays because people always need a Goddamn paper, even the day after christmas so that means someone has to work christmas. and every other holiday. think about that the next time you open a paper on the day after thanksgiving, or dec. 26, or jan. 1, or jan. 2. appreciate the fact that people were in the office on thanksgiving, christmas, new year's.. you name it, we're there. and that sucks.

so anyway. the job needs the whole schebang -- resume, cover letter, samples, three reference letters. i was a bit hesitant, because i only have so many options for reference letters, and i am reluctant to ask them for letters on jobs i'm not sure i have a great chance at. but i talked to some people and they all said go for it, so i decided to go for it. and one of my references wrote me back with 'are you qualified for this job?' ...well, no. probably not. but i'm not qualified for a hell of a lot, and i'm desperate to get out of this job. i am a fast learner, and i will teach myself as much as i can in order to get the job, but it's certainly not like anyone at my job is training me in these particular aspects.

because he's right, i am low on the sort of experience they're asking for, more creating graphics in photoshop than pages, and i don't know how to do that. but i said i'd look tutorials up online and buy a photoshop for dummies book (turns out, it really does exist). and he gave me a name of a person at one of our sister papers who might be able to help, although i have no idea how, since i have nothing to offer her in the way of payment or motivation to train me. so he is going to write a letter, and he's right. in fewer words, he pointed out that it's possibly fruitless, so that was sort of a bummer. i would rather have confidence, not doubt. but such is life, i suppose.

i applied for three different jobs, so here's hoping something comes of one of them, because i just don't know how much longer i can take this. i'm so ready to just quit and go work in a restaurant or something. i honestly think i'd be happier. the other day, a couple of guys were bitching and threatening to "walk" and i snapped and told one of them to just do it already. he was pretty offended, but i'm tired of listening to it. someone threatens to quit every 10 minutes there, and i just want to walk around with PUT UP OR SHUT UP tattooed on my forehead. they're just noisy and annoying, because they clearly haven't quit, so they're just doing it to get attention. so now since they clearly aren't quitting, people just ignore them, so they just bitch louder and longer. freaking excellent.

so apparently my mom almost applied for one of the jobs that i applied for. it's in vernon, and i know she looks on careerbuilder, which is where i found it, so i was a little nervous telling her about it. i didn't want to be stealing anything, yknow? not like i think i have excellent chances against her, just that i think she wouldn't apply if she knows i am, so i didn't want it to be a 'well i could have applied for that if monica didn't' sort of thing. she deserves a better job too. all she said was that she almost applied, so i don't know if she had already decided not to or if she was still deciding and then me saying i was applying stopped her. i told her she still could if she wanted to. i much prefer my chances if she's not up for it too, since i'm pretty sure neither of us is probably exactly what they need, but we are both smart and educated and she may have some experience that i don't have. but i don't want to take away the chance for her, yknow?

so, God willing, i will have a new job sometime in the next.. ever. i'd prefer soon, myself. but i sort of believe that fate's involved, so i'm sure something will come along when the timing's good and right. i just hope it's soon. i've been patient, i've waited, i've served my time, i've tried to not be miserable. but i'm getting pretty tired of it. i know i have learned a lot in the past year, but i'm not even really sure a lot of it was to the benefit of a career -- esp since i'm not even sure i want to stay with journalism. i learned a lot about surviving a workplace you hate, how to deal with certain types of people, etc. it was probably good for me to have to deal with some of these people. ie, one of them uses such a vile, hateful tone all the time. it's just so .. disgusted. and i think i've probably used that tone before, and working with him has really shown me how uncomfortable and offensive it is, and so i try to watch it and not use that anymore. he's also very overcritical, and that's shown me how it's really better to let the little things go sometimes. another person is always complaining, and i tried not to before, but now i try especially harder not to since i see how much it wears down the people around you. i've learned a lot about holding my tongue in the past year. i've always had a problem with temper, and i think this job has really helped me rein it in a bit. it's been a work in progress forever, but working where i do, i think i have taken leaps and bounds in not saying something when i really, really, really, really, really want to.

so. i think i've learned a lot of lessons, but.. i want out. i've wanted out since i got there, and everyone else made it out.. i am just hoping it's my turn. because i'm seriously considering serving, or retail, or just about anything, if i have to. maybe i could find a bartending job. it's still night hours, but at least i'd have more fun. although bartending jobs are hard to come by without any experience. gah. i don't have any experience at anything, save waiting tables and some retail. blast.

oh right, back to the terrible-horrible-no-good-very-bad-day. although i suppose it really wasn't that bad, it's just not great. so i come home, i cook up some food which turns out to be not so great. not terrible, but not great, so that's sort of disappointing. then later, i am just sitting there watching tv, and i go to adjust my glasses, and snap. off comes an arm. ...uh? what? i just bought those glasses in january. WITH insurance, they cost me over $100. without insurance, they would have been about 3-400$. sooo that's sort of a problem. i can't find any receipt, although i feel like i would have saved it. so i guess i'll just call up the place tomorrow and hope they're under warranty, cause.. well. this blows. i can't afford to replace them, esp since i already used my insurance and i can't get new frames until at least january -- if not another year after that. and glasses, they're fairly essential. i don't even have contacts to fall back on, because i can't afford them. i have one pair that is super old that i occasionally wear if i really really need to, and i try to only wear them for a few hours at a time since i am sure they are terrible for my eyes.

so, in summary, i am pretty glad today is almost over. i realize it's already 'tomorrow' for most of you, but it's still wednesday for me, so bear with me here.

it's about time to go wake up boyfriend for work and sob about my newly-one-arm-less glasses. ironically, his are also the same way. same arm and everything. the twist is his are like three or four years old, and he has brand new contacts. also, he never really liked his, whereas i love mine. and if i have to replace them out of pocket, i'm looking at a cheap boring pair, which blows, because i love having cool glasses. it's an accessory i wear every day, i want them to be great.

sigh. onward to thursday!

the best-laid plans of mice and men...

i've always loved that phrase, but i have no idea why or when mice have plans, and why, when or how they would get ruined. but there's 80,000 ways to say that same idea, and some others i enjoy are: man plans, God laughs. man proposes, God disposes. etc.

so since it's pretty early this is gonna be a quick one. i only have two pictures from the wedding so far, and they are both of my hair from the back. i figured there'd be plenty from the front, and i wanted the back documented, so after the wedding and reception and before the after party, i had jon take two shots with my cell phone.

the title of the blog comes from the fact that the hair is not what we had originally planned, which was kind of a bummer, cause i had really liked it -- in fact, it was the only thing in the whole ensemble i was really excited for. the rest i liked but didn't love. but apparently it was too humid for curls, so my tumbling cascade of curls would have been floppy nonsense with no curl, so... booo! but the end result was still pretty. i thought it looked a little prom-ish from the front, but i don't have any pictures of that at this time, haha, and it seemed to be a hit, so it's all good. my only complaint was that it was like 8 times the bobby pins the original style took, so when i felt down into it, i couldn't even feel my scalp.. just metal. which was weird. a first for me, since i never did the whole getting-my-hair-done-for-prom thing.

anyway.. enjoy. and just know that these pictures are after about 7 hours of wedding/reception/drinking/eating/occasional dancing/tons of picture-taking and literally about two minutes before i started ripping bobby pins out of my head. with jon's help, haha. what a good boyfriend!

(dad's) gonna get maa-aaa-aarried

so work has been a little busy the past week and a half.. one of my bosses is out and the other is going crazy trying to cover for the one that's on vacation. plus we have a small staff anyway, so having one person out always means more work (and more chaos) for everybody.

on that note, i have tomorrow off! i took it off because i thought there would be a rehearsal dinner on the eve of the wedding, as is usual, but bc of all the kids' work schedules, dad and bonnie decided to have the rehearsal last sunday. and i decided to keep friday off anyway. i have some errands to run, but mostly i just don't want to go to work. i want to be around for a friday night. not that we have much planned.. we're deciding between going to iparty, going to bidwell's (the place with all the wings!! ::drool::) or cooking faJitas.

either way, my dad's wedding is saturday, and that's a little weird for me. i'm happy he's happy, but it's just not something you ever picture yourself going to, i guess. and/or being involved in. as in the maid of honor. although technically i am the only girl up there (besides bonnie and the justice of the peace, anyway). eric is dad's best man, and then bonnie's boys will walk down after me and go stand on her side with the eldest walking her down the aisle, and then eric and i will be on dad's side.

i am sure it will be lovely. the dress is okay.. still not my favorite ever, but def not the worst ever, either. bonnie & her sister keep saying i should have it taken up to tea slash knee length to have as a party dress, and i am thinking they might be right, i think i might like it better like that. but then i'm not really used to full-length gowns, so that might be why.. i've only ever worn them ..... 3? times. for proms. that's it. i don't even wear full length skirts. they look really cute on some people but i always feel like a hippie. and uncomfortable. and if you feel uncomfortable in your clothes, you look uncomfortable.. so i just skip them. knee length is my favorite for skirts, basically.

i am excited for the hair, though. i was nervous about the whole professional hair done thing, but the style the girl came up with -- in the midst of a double dose of antibiotics for a kidney infection, for pete's sake -- well, i really liked it. i can't remember if i blogged about this, so quick synopsis slash recap: she used a 1-inch curling iron and curled all my hair in small sections and then used a bunch of bobby pins to make a cascading waterfall of curls down my back, and up on my head it had that sort of messy but elegant look. i know that seems contradictory, but i don't know how else to explain it. i really liked it, and i'm excited to see how it comes out with hairspray and all, actually doing it. (the double antibiotics were making her nauseous, so we nixed hair spray and did it sort of quick, the poor girl.) i loved the whole cascade of curls thing, and i was so relieved that it had a soft look to it, not a slicked-back helmet of hair-sprayed hair. i know it'll be sprayed now, but it's okay because it's not that generic prom hair look that i just can't see myself wearing.

i'm sort of nervous for the makeup, mostly because i don't wear much. i wear foundation, cover up and mascara, and that's pretty much the extent. occasionally i play around with blush, eyeliner and/or eyeshadow, but it's never usually much and usually in neutral colors, soft browns & tans, although i have some blues i like to use. (side note, i bought that almay 'bring out your eyes' thing, and i was so not impressed. my eyes didn't pop any more than they usually do.) i like to have friends do my makeup, though.. it's fun. i don't really know what i'm doing, so i'd rather have people playing who know what they're doing.. i may or may not end up looking like a clown when i do it. i remember once when we were kids my best friend and i did each other's makeup and i literally made her look like she was a ghost -- not on purpose, either. it was sorta creepy. and proved that i am not much good at makeup, so i usually keep it pretty simple. it's okay, anyway, i'm not really a makeup wearer. i don't think i would be even if i knew how.. some people can rock it but i always think i look sorta weird. just me with paint, sorta.. not really prettier or anything. but maybe that's just cause i'm used to my face regular? haha. turns out jon isn't a big makeup fan anyway, so that works out for the best. although he hates chapstick and lip gloss, which is sort of a bummer, cause i do like to wear both, and i've pretty much cut down on all usage, cause he makes a face when i kiss him, and that's not really the reaction i'm going for, yknow?

okay, dress, hair, makeup, what else.. the shoes are okay, they are a goldish color with small sparkly iridescent sequins covering the straps, which are a simple curved band across the toe and then an ankle strap. the heel's around 2, 2.5, so that's not bad. a little bit of height but i won't feel like a giant -- although thank God for 6'4" boyfriends! i can wear just about anything. and i say just about because i tried on a pair of stripper boots at halloween last year and i was literally looking him in the eye. it was weird. anyway. the wedding heels, they're all right, not my favorite but again not the worst ever. they look good with the dress, and you can't really see them anyway cause the dress hem goes basically to the floor. i am a tad concerned that they will hurt my feet and i will have to take them off, which is not a problem in and of itself but only becomes one because that would raise the possibility of stepping on the dress and ripping/tearing/otherwise destroying said dress.
(research -- they are these shoes: http://www.gownsbysimpleelegance.com/gowns/Crystal.html but in a light gold-ish color.)
(research2 -- they are actually these: http://www.gownsbysimpleelegance.com/gowns/BabySequin.html but the other picture is better, i think, so i left it up, ha.)

okay, dress, hair, makeup, shoes... oh! purse. oof. my aunt got me this gold beaded scallop-shaped purse, and ... well, let's just say i would not have bought it. although, to be fair, i have never bought an evening purse.. my mom bought my first one and i stole my second one (not on purpose, i just forgot to give it back) from a friend in hs). and she was trying to be nice. i suppose it works out anyway because i only have black purses, and they wouldn't really have gone.

jewelry, i am borrowing some stuff from bonnie -- about .02% of my jewelry is gold. i have a necklace that my dad gave me for graduation that is a gold and silver looped charm (it loops over a necklace) and has a rainbow of gems in it. the trouble is the necklace itself didn't work -- it's a reversible omega chain (http://www.ntferro.com/shop/images/OM6WY16_lg.jpg) but because it stays in that circle shape, it just didn't fit with the halter style dress, so we had to find another chain for the charm. the problem there was it's a good-sized charm, so it dwarfs a small chain, but bonnie had one that was a decent match for it, so i'm borrowing that. and a pair of earrings that are gold and they are four diamond-shapes of gold stuck together one on top of another. simple, won't take away from the necklace or the hair, and the angles sort of match the charm. and she said she's going to pick me up a simple gold bracelet, so we will see what that becomes!

i think that's about it for wedding updates. now you can all envision me on saturday (okay, sort of), and i am sure there will be plenty of pictures -- dad's friends go crazy with cameras -- so i am sure i will find some to post after the wedding.

in the meantime, i'm going to go to bed now.
a lovely friday and ensuing weekend to all!
(ps, anyone who picked up on the fact that the title of this is 'going to the chapel,' i am impressed, and you win my favor. woot!)

the celebration of a lifetime

literally! it was my birthday celebration(s), so we were in fact celebrating my lifetime, AND it was all fabulous, haha. i managed to stretch my birthday for four glorious, family-, friend- and food-filled days, and a girl really couldn't ask for more.

thursday jon and i slept in wonderfully late and then went to the big e, where we spent my grandmother's birthday check to me on such things as maine baked potatoes, vt beer & flatbread pizza, hot kettle corn, opa opa (ct beer),... mmm. oh and jon got apple pie with cheddar cheese, possibly in the vt? house, and i tried it, and it was the first time i've ever had them together. i had always thought it sounded particularly gross, but no.. it was delicious. how weird, though.. who was eating apple pie and thought, 'hey! why don't i add some cheese?'
for those of you who don't know what the big e is, it is a giant fair with everything from 8 gabillion booths set up selling everything you can imagine to carnival rides to elephant rides to 'see the world's smallest pony' to petting zoos to buildings full of more booths (the international house, the farm house, the house of random wares). there's everything from an irish/ireland booth to people selling knives that cut leather or tools that can drill through concrete or .. etc. and there are shows during the day -- horse shows, product demonstrations, etc -- and concerts at night. and THEN there are the state houses -- connecticut, rhode island, massachusetts, maine, new hampshire and vermont. each state house showcases the best features (and food & beer) of said state, usually offering maps of places to go, things to do, samples of food & beer. i am sad i didn't try the maple cotton candy in the vermont house because it sounded delicious. that's my only regret!
so after we came homew from that, we hung out, watched tv, cooked up some breaded chicken cutlets, green beans (love) and lipton garlic shells noodle package -- which i absolutely love and haven't had in FOREVER -- and it was a fantastic birthday dinner if i do say so myself. and by cooked up, i mean jon cooked and shooed me out of the kitchen every time i tried to help, haha. AND he gave me fall out boy tickets for my birthday!! he told me awhile ago i had something to do on nov. 10 but not what, and it turns out that's the concert. i heeeart fall out boy, they are one of my latest favorite cds. so i am pretty stoked for that!

friday we decided to go hiking. going up to unh was thrown out on the table; jon knows i want to take him there and show him around sometime so that when i talk about something he can actually picture it and know what i'm talking about. but we decided it was too much driving for one day, so it's on the itinerary for next summer's nh vaca, when we'll only be an hour away instead of 2.5. so instead, jon called his friend pete, an avid hiker (he's done the at (appalachian trail -- how i'd love to, if only i could afford to not work for 3 months)) and asked for suggestions, so we ended up going to a place called case mtn, which was actually pretty small -- only like 974 ft or something. it was a very easy climb, but that's probably for the best anyway since i'm not really in prime hiking (*hillwalking, anyone?) shape. but we got to the top pretty easily, and oddly enough, the hillside before the trees started again really powerfully reminded me of culloden, of the actual battlefield. so we sat on one of the benches and i told jon about culloden, just the bare bones of the rebellion and how it all came to a head there, and how the thing that had really shocked me about the actual battlefield was that it was so covered in bracken and brush and thorny things. i would have pictured an open field, but it is instead something that would tear your legs up in about 3 seconds. and this, despite it being a hillside, looked much the same, with the sort of low, prickly, different-colored bushes (for lack of a better word) all over it. so that was a fun little scotland moment.
and then we decided to go down a different trail (we took the pink trail, which i thought was not very hard-sounding, but theoretically was the hardest, according to pete. so i wondered, was the white trail an escalator, cause pink was super easy..), a white trail, because the parking lot up to the pink trail was a white trail. so we kind of picked a direction out of 4 choices (one being the way we came) and gallavanted off into the woods. (and by that i mean walked calmly..) and at some point, we came across a big wall of rocks with big rocks strewn on the ground in front of it, and i wondered aloud if they used to be part of the wall but had fallen. and somehow this prompted jon to go climb the wall of rocks. rather than watch him and think about how i was going to go get help if he broke something, i decided to wander a bit father.. at which point i found an easy-as-pie way to get up to where he was. so as he fought his way down the rock face, i climbed it, musing about how women are definitely the smarter sex. although when i shared this, he gave the classic, 'well i wasn't looking for easy, i wanted to be challenged.' ....mmhmm. okay.
so we continued on our way and ended up at a parking lot. and i do say A parking lot, because it wasn't OUR parking lot. whoops. so we look at the map, which was a terrible map in the first place AND situated behind a metal cage so you can't take it, and figure we've got to go pretty far back. so we end up going all the way back where we had come from until we reach the pink trail, which was about three minutes from the summit. literally. and by the time we had reached the first (wrong) parking lot, we were pretty okay with nature being done for the time being, so we weren't really loving the fact that we had to climb it twice, but it was okay. i just had a blister forming and i really wanted to get out of my shoes -- i need new ones real bad. i could feel every rock under my feet and it got old after awhile, yknow? why i didn't wear the hiking shoes heather gave me i don't know.. i guess i figured i wouldn't need them on such an easy hike.
it was nice to be out in nature, though. it's not often i get to do anything like that anymore, solely because of the hours i work and we've just been so busy lately. so it was a nice little refreshing jaunt, although i will say i was excited to see the truck at the end, haha.
but seriously, who freaking puts maps in the parking lots and at the summit but not in between?? maps AT the destinations. not on the way to said destinations. pfffft. turns out we could've taken a much easier way to get back, but we had no way of knowing that since there were no freaking maps in between. jerks!
so anyway. we went home and showered and went to dinner with his friends sarah (cousin) & eli and freya & bobby to chili's, and it was delicious. chili's makes an excellent frozen raspberry margarita, and i heart their southwestern egg rolls (and the awesome blossom, which jon got and i stole pieces of) and their steak fajitas. and the company was swell, so it was a good time. we went to sarah & eli's afterwards to play apples to apples, and it was another good time. i did manage to walk into a parking spot curb leaving chili's, though, because i was texting my cousin and not watching where i was going, and it did cut my poor pinky toe under my nail and bleed and hurt and turn purple, but jon emt-ed me with triple antibiotic lotion and a bandaid and a kiss (on my lips, not my toe.. ew), so i lived. (whew. it was close.)

saturday we had to be at my mom's at 11, which meant waking up at 10 -- a little early for my birthday weekend, but worth it. my grandparents arrived less than a minute, i'd say, before us, so we made it fairly well on time. and it was wonderful to see them, i hadn't seen them in awhile, which is actually why i requested said dinner from mom. so mom cooked up chicken and maple-syruped carrots and there was macaroni salad & potato salad and homemade apple sauce (which my grandfather kept trying to get her to put in a pie crust -- he loves apple pie like nothing else). and my mom had a cake for eric & i to decorate like we use to when we were kids. i still have pictures.. his bday is the 4th and mine is the 20th so we tended to do mixed celebrations, and one thing was to get/cook a sheet cake and then let each kid decorate half. and as i'm trying to make an 'M' out of mini m&ms on my half and my brother is just chucking chocolate chips on his half, my mom, not even looking, was saying how monica used to decorate hers pretty and eric would just throw stuff on. haha. classic timing, cause that's exactly what was happening. so eric just kept throwing chocolate chips on the cake -- and especially on my side, to obscure the 'M' and just be a pest -- until i a) threw m&ms at him and b) took the choc chips away. so then i'm trying to make it pretty and fix the piles of choc chips he left, and he starts putting slices of cheddar cheese on the cake because i had taken away his choc chips and the m&ms and that's all that was left next to him. pffft. (so then, of course, later, when mom brought out the cake, there's a piece of cheese on it and eric wearing a shit-eating grin. pffft again. ha.)
so after that, my grandparents left (eat and run, it's their game -- although saturday my grandmother did have to work, so they did actually have a reason to leave for once, haha) and eric, tiana and jon all fell asleep on the couches. and i tried to stay awake to chat with mom, haha. so i chatted, and finally gave in and fell asleep for a few, and then chatted again, mostly about real estate and how she's going to have to sell the house someday probably soon. and i tried to persuade her it might be a good idea to paint the living room a neutral color instead of pink, and she resisted, and i dropped it, haha.
and then we went to kmart & kohl's to try to find jon a belt cause his had broken, and we found him one, which is yay because the day before on the hike his pants kept sagging down like he was a g, haha. and then we booked it out to coventry to go to bidwell's tavern, which is an amazing place circa 1872 or something. it's got a good pub feel to it, and they make like 50 flavors of wings. i got a trio of honey mustrad (eh), honey bbq (pretty good) and my favorite, hot teriyaki sesame. they're just hot enough to give you the good flavor and a teensy bit of kick without burning your mouth. mmm. i already want more.
i only invited a few friends, but they seemed to mesh pretty well, which was good since some of them didn't know each other. i had a great time, i hope they did too, haha. heather bought me a car bomb, which was the first i'd done in a couple months at least if not more. they're tasty, i sorta forgot.. =P
after that, jon and i went to blockbuster and picked up some movies (and beer, but not at blockbuster) and went home, watched 'vacancy' and 'you kill me', which were both okay. not stellar and not terrible. decent entertainment.

and then sunday we went out to the mall to get baby a giants jersey.. i think last week, when tiana showed up at the bar wearing a giants jersey and jon was the only one at the table of me, my dad, my brother, and tiana not wearing a jersey, i think that was the straw that broke the camel's back, cause he was very into getting a jersey this weekend, hah. so we ended up finding him one after a couple stores, and i am happy to report he looks very good in his red jacobs giants jersey. mm. :)
so we went out to my dad's newly built house where he was cooking the best bbq ribs you'd ever have in your life, zucchini & summer squash, red potatos, and the best corn EVER. he cuts the corn off leftover (cooked) corn on the cob and sautees it up with onions and peppers in butter with garlic and salt & pepper. and it gets .. not syrupy, but i can't think of the words. but it is so ridiculously tasty.
so we got to eat some fastastic food with my dad, his fiancee, her sister, one of her sons, and my brother & his gf again, and watch the giants game on a ridiculous huge hd tv that my aunt got my dad & bonnie as a wedding present. i asked eric if he thought we'd get those when we get married too and said i'd contemplate a ceremony in town hall to get one.. it is freaking sweet. it's a plasma too, not an lcd. and huge. and clear. and .. okay, so i'm a little jealous.

so that was my weekend, and it left me feeling rejuvenated and happy, which was good. although it's only tuesday and my glow is somewhat gone already. it's amazing how fast work saps me of that. but i was giddy wednesday night last week when i got home, and it lasted for four days. it was so nice to not have to work and to see jon and to get together with all my family and friends and have so many people saying happy birthday. i was afraid my weekend wouldn't live up to my expectations, but it was really nice. i think this was definitely the longest i've ever stretched a birthday, and that wasn't even my original intention. i just wanted to see people i love and do what i want. we've been so busy lately but this was the first weekend where it was all stuff i wanted to do, stuff that i planned. well, minus the dinner fri night, jon suggested that, but it was a good idea. so it was just really comforting to be surrounded by good people and good times.

i have plenty more to say, but i am a little tired of typing, and i am thinking you might be tired of reading (especially if you're kate or sami, who have both already heard all this, haha.. sorry guys!), so i will wait til later to update more.

PLUS, it's almost house hunters time. woot! i freaking love this show.

it sucks to live where i live

there is a dearth of jobs around me. okay, i guess that's technically lying. there are jobs. but there are no journalism jobs. and there are no jobs i have any qualifications for. and apparently the market is especially terrible right now, because all i did was put in my zip code -- no job specifications -- and the first job on the list -- so, the closest -- was in a town 45 minutes away.
what?
you're kidding, right?

booooo. i just searched journalismjobs.com, jobsinct.com, careerbuilder.com, monster.com, hotjobs.com, workct.com (okay, it doesn't exist yet, but i tried, anyway), craigslist.com.. even some random site my cousin sent me. and i found? a fat lot of nothing. i found a couple prospects....in colorado. and hawaii. for much more money than i'm making now, too.

so that begs the question, would i move? the urge is hitting more and more lately. it's been awhile since i've picked up and run away -- cause that's sort of what it is, isn't it? we can disguise is as an adventure, a change, something new.. but aren't we running away, maybe just a little? think about it, when do you first leave -- after high school, when you finally become an adult and can get the hell outta dodge. sound familiar? yeah, you and your cousin, everybody and their mom. the next time i left after that is when i went to scotland, and i don't think getting away was a conscious reason behind leaving, but i definitely needed to get away. i was feeling stale and bored and unhappy, and i didn't like the person i was becoming as a result of those feelings. and i can honestly say i think i liked myself the best i had in years when i was in scotland, because i was happy. and being happy makes you a better person. misery breeds misery, and all that.. it works the opposite way too. pay it forward, remember that movie? it's really true. i love those commercials that show how a good mood or a bad mood can spread like disease, cause they're so true.
so, returning to the (actual) topic at hand.. would i move? i don't know. it never really fixes all your problems. it helps, sometimes. i don't know about other people, but sometimes i feel like i'm stuck in a rut and i desperately need to get out. moving definitely helps that.. but eventually i'll feel that way again. what am i gonna do, move every couple years? i'm hoping traveling often can help quell my wandering instinct, cause it would be a pain in the ass to uproot every couple years.
aside from that, there's the family and friends aspect. i was thinking about it the other day, and mostly i'd miss my family. my dad, my mom, and my brother, and then my grandparents -- but they're the only family i'm really close to that are in ct. i've got cousins in arizona & maryland, one in florida. i've got a grandmother in florida. aunts and uncles in maryland, florida, arizona.
but friends? i've still got a couple here that i'd miss, but too many are gone or never lived here in the first place. i feel closer to some people that live far away than people in my own state. i never see anyone here anyway, so what's the difference if i actually live here or not?
but where would i go? i'd still die to move to colorado. i could maybe manage dc, although i don't really want to go hotter. if i'm going hotter, i want to go to hawaii. i'm sure jon would pee himself to live in boston again (and under happier circumstances than the last time he lived there for a few months, not being 21 and in a terrible relationship), but i feel sort of bored by that. edinburgh? i'd cry, so happy. but is it too far? i'd randomly go to montana, but jon doesn't want to. i could go to maryland, with the small wealth of family conglomerated there.
the where would i go question also begs the question do i light out on my own into an unknown area (and by on my own i mean with jon, not actually by myself) or do i go somewhere i know i have at least one friend? it's harder to meet people once you're out of school, so it's tricky to move somewhere -- you might find yourself all alone, and then what problems are you solving? sweet adventure, hanging out all by yourself.
so what to do? continue to fall into this stupid void of hating my job, not being able to afford life, never seeing anyone, not being able to accomplish the things i want to accomplish, not liking who i am, not liking what i do.. wait until i find something else in this area -- and i've been looking for over a year now? or do i bite the bullet and move somewhere? would missing my family be worth it? i'm reasonably sure i could talk the few true friends i have left here into coming to visit me. but would occasional visits from family be worth it? i love going to the bar on sundays with my dad & brother to watch the giants play. i like going shopping with my mom. i like being able to call them up and say hey let's get together for dinner.
but i feel so stale here. i need a change. i am hoping changing my job will help chase away that panic, that i-need-to-break-out-of-this feeling, because i have felt it coming and it's not stopping. i keep wanting to say 'i can't take this much longer,' but i have no idea what would happen next. i don't know what to do except endure and wait and try to make the best of it. what happens? do i have a mental breakdown? do i run screaming out of my apartment half-dressed and run down the road until someone stops me? do i tear my hair out? do i start drinking uncontrollably? none of these seem like acceptable options, and yet, the thought of staying at this job, staying in my life, .. i don't want to.
i want to leave. i want to go somewhere new and start over. i want a do-over. and the logical part of my brain reminds me that it won't solve my problems. but i still want it. i need a change, so very badly. i need a break from this miserable-ness.

on the plus side, i have thursday and friday off because my birthday is thursday and i didn't want to be sucked into the black hole on my birthday. so at least i get a four-day weekend, in which i have requested a home-cooked meal -- complete with grandparents and brother & his gf -- from mom on saturday and then another home-cooked meal -- complete with dad's fiancee & her sister, soon-to-be stepbrothers and possibly brother & gf -- from dad on sunday. i think mom's is going to be a pork roast, and i know dad's is going to be ribs. he makes the best ribs in the world, literally (well, my mom does too, but i'm fairly certain the recipe is dad's). they cook them for houuuurs so the meat just falls off the bone. actually. it really does. they are so delicious. and mom's pork roast is exxcellent. and i also requested green bean casserole (my very favorite!) and possibly carrots cooked in maple syrup (substitute some maple syrup for water: soo tasty. sweetens 'em right up). mmmm.
we're also going to the big e either thursday or friday, so that'll be fun too. so. i am hoping my fair-, family- and (home-cooked) food-filled (holy alliteration, batman) weekend will go some ways toward helping with the tear-out-my-hair-scream-til-my-throat-hurts restless stale-ness.

side note, i looked up 'alliteration' to make sure it was the word i thought it was, and an example was "apt alliteration's artful aid" and i am now in love with that phrase. i love alliteration.

on another side (yet unrelated) note, check out the video for "rockstar" by nickelback. it's a funny song, and the video's good.. a good mix of regular people and random rock (and other kinds of) stars singing along. entertaining.

and to wrap it all up.. i dunno, i got nothing. i am looking up some perseverance quotes and i've found the standard -- once you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on, etc -- but i do like this one:
Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. ~Newt Gingrich

and these two:
If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. ~Buddhist Saying
I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. ~Author Unknown

and i don't get this one at all:
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum. ~Author Unknown
..what is that telling you? give up on your dreams? in times of hardship, make sure you clean. i think it's supposed to mean start over, but.. eh. i think it's silly.

but i do like these two:
Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second. ~William James
Big shots are only little shots who keep shooting. ~Christopher Morley

and with that, i bid you adieu. good morning, world, i am going to bed.

by all things holy

..or just my disappointment, whichever -- either way, i have just received a crushing blow. after victoria burst my bubble (hah) and told me there isn't a new outlander book out, i decided to go look at the web site (http://www.its.caltech.edu/~gatti/gabaldon/) since i know she has one from previous searchings. i scroll down a bit, and i see this:

21 August 2007
(blah blah blah here)...
And in Book Seven News...
I still don't have a working title, but I do have a first line! (Well, quite a bit more than that, to be sure, but the fact that I now know where The Beginning is, is important.) Said first line being:
"The pirate's head had disappeared."
And if that tells you anything...more power to you!

GAHHHHH! this clearly means it is nowhere NEAR publication. which means MONTHS, possibly even a YEAR, until book 7 comes out.

sigh. i am crushed. i was so looking forward to another book, and i am close to being done with book 5 (yes, i know i reread them in backwards order, what with starting with 6. and now i may have to go read the others as well, since i clearly won't get any new ones right now. but there's no bree and roger and jemmy in those. :( i quite like them.)

on an odd? side, she had this up:
If any of you have wanted to see a physical representation of the Claire's wedding ring, now's your chance. "In 2006 Janice Millford (JaniceM) and Michelle Moore (M&M), of various Diana Gabaldon book discussion groups wanted a Claire's ring. We asked and received permission from Diana Gabaldon and took upon the task of having Claire's ring from the novel Outlander brought to life."
(in case that doesn't come out, the link is: http://www.ivmoores.com/claires_ring/claires_ring.htm)

i went to the link, and i have to say, i don't think so. that's terribly impractical for everyday life in the 1700s in scotland OR america. can you IMAGINE the gunk that would get caught in there? food, dirt, grime, filth, waste, and in her case, blood.. and with no defining way to get it out, ie, no spraying water. ew. that would be super gross. i am going to prefer to think of the design etched onto a silver ring instead of carved into. because really. that's just so impractical.

there is a new lord john book out, though. that can do in a pinch, i guess. :-/ i have read Lord John and the Private Matter.. Lord John and the Brotherhood of the Blade is the newest one. hopefully it includes william, it'll be fun to see if he has any characteristics of jamie. and apparently Lord John and the Hand of the Devils ('a collection of three novellas') is to be published nov. 27. so i guess those are good. but it does definitively say "Untitled Book 7 of the Outlander series. There is no publication date at this time for this book." on the (only! grr) plus side, there are two excerpts from the book. better than nothing, i suppose!

::scampers off to read::

seas the day!

so. my cousin is writing a book, and i am totally riding her coattails to stardom and fame. or at least to money, haha. her book is totally going to be a bestseller, and i am totally cashing in on said success by being her editor. woot!
no but for real, she's a fantastic writer. and i am happy and proud to be her editor, and i am excited for the process. she's 20-30 pages in right now, and i think it's great already. i suppose i could be counted as biased, being her cousin and friend, but i don't think it's that. i really think it's good. i was wanting to read something the other day, and you know how when you want to read, you start searching through things you have that you can read and you feel a little thrill when you remember something new that's good that you have to read? and you get excited because you want to jump back into the story and find out what happens? i had that when i thought of her story. and then i felt crushing disappointment because i can't read it yet cause it's not done, but that's another matter, haha.
it's fun, though, reading her story and being part of the book-writing process. she sends it to me after she's written a few more pages and i read it and ask questions or comment or praise or whatever. right now we're just trying to make sure the plot meshes, is continuous and makes sense. i figure once she's finished writing it, i can fly out to arizona and we can go over the little grammar stuff together. hopefully by the time she's done writing i can afford to fly out there. she's next on my list of places to visit anyway; i've been wanting to go there for years and just can't afford it. so it would be swell to go there, see her, edit the book, see arizona, etc.

on an unrelated note, i am still stalled in ... life, i guess. the decision of nursing school is still hanging around, unmade. i have to admit that my heart's not really in it, and i suppose it should be. i am trying to figure out if it could be in it if i came up with a certain direction to go within said field as opposed to just the generic 'nursing.' i do still feel crappy about not making a difference in the world and/or helping people, but i dunno what to do. i feel like i'm sort of just wandering aimlessly in an abyss of nothingness. (i'm not sure how you'd wander purposefully in an abyss, but..)

i just feel.. unfulfilled. i am so tired of this stupid job. it's really sucking my soul into a big ugly black hole (no rhyme intended). and now this whole new software system is driving me bonkers. it's not so bad itself minus the occasional super slowness (the pace is often described as 'glacial' by one of my bosses), but everyone complaining about it is driving me nuts. as is the person who sits next to me, because he asks me the same questions over and over and over again. i am clearly more proficient at said new systems than him; i have been lucky enough to get it pretty easily. knowing that it hasn't been as easy for him, i don't mind helping him, but when he asks me how to do something i just explained to him the day before.... argh. i get mad. and he gets all cranky, because i keep telling him to take notes and being crabby at him. it's just irritating, because i learned by taking notes. every time i learned how to do something, i wrote it down. and then every day when i came to work, i pulled out my sheet of notes and would leave it on my desk for referrals until i felt i didn't need it anymore. but it's still in my desk drawer just in case. i have decided, i think, that i am not going to answer any more of the same questions. because i have told him to take notes like 7 times now. so i will be like, 'oh, i already told you how to do that. check your notes!' and then i will ignore him.
sigh.

on the plus side, my mom got me (and jon) this cute sign from cape cod that has a beach with a sand castle on it and it says "Seas the day!" and it makes me happy to look at it. (i took a picture of it and made it the background on my phone.)

anyway, i'm still at work and my break is up, so i will go do work-related things, i suppose.
(boooo)
but at least it's wednesday! woot for a half-over week.

somewhat disinterested ramblings

i really don't have much to say today. but i'm trying to update. i get points for that, right?

i thought of a few more things to add to my list, but i (obviously) can't remember them all.

what i do remember:
-- go to the grand canyon (although i think this was implied in 'go to arizona' but i'll specify.)
-- see niagra falls.
-- stand in/behind a waterfall -- although NOT niagra falls, because i'm pretty sure that volume of water would squash me.
-- go to vegas. i'm not even sure i'll like it -- i've only been to a casino once, and i wasn't really a fan. it was too bright and noisy for me. i felt overwhelmed. so i'm sure vegas will be the biggest assault on my senses, ever. but i'd like to see it once.

in other news, jon might have to go on a camping trip in mid-october. hahah. he is an advisor for the post in ellington -- high school kids can be a part of the post and ride along with the ambulance and learn emt-things. they can't actually be certified until they're i think 18, but they can participate with some stuff and they do all sorts of training and drills, and ride along and help out. mostly as gophers -- go get the gauze, go get this, etc. and then as a post they do random things -- we went on a ski trip this past winter with them, as chaperones (ugh. talk about feeling old). and so i guess they decided in late july that they wanted to go camping, and so the best they could come up with is southern vermont columbus day weekend. which is clearly not the best idea ever, since that will be, well, cold. haha. i probably can't go, because i would have to take friday and monday off and i'm already taking that tuesday off.. i probably could, but i'd get a lot of bitching for it and i'd have no more vaca time. so that means it's a no-go for me. jon is trying to make it a no-go for him too, but right now, the only advisor signed on isn't allowed to drive any of the vehicles. so i say he should not sign up, and then they can't go at all, and they'll have to reschedule for when it's warmer, haha. cause seriously, who goes camping in southern vermont in mid-october?? although, as jon pointed out, it is new england, so it could be anywhere from 70 to 20 degrees outside, haha. i wouldn't mind going if it wasn't mid-october. eep. i like vermont, i like camping. but i'm still new to the camping game, i don't think i want to be exposed to a possible winter camping experience yet.

speaking of winter, though. it's almost fall, which means it's almost winter, which means it's almost skiing time!! i freaking can't wait. YAY! i guess i won't try to skip through fall, what with coming up we have: eric's birthday, my birthday (for which i am trying to get together a dinner with my mom & grandparents, woot!), dad's wedding, possible aerosmith concert, smashing pumpkins concert. those are pretty good things. then before you know it, we're in mid-october, which means jon's cousin's halloween party is soon. then thanksgiving and my mom's birthday, and then christmas. woot! and we'll know who's winning the primaries, since they're all going to be like next month anyway. yeesh.

i am not super political, and i am registered as an independent, because i can't pick a side. both sides have arguments i appreciate, so i figure i straddle the fence, which is fine with me. i had thought maybe i'll try to pick a candidate before the primaries this time, and switch to one or the other so i can vote in said primaries. i will admit i haven't been paying the closest attention, but working in the news business, i hear tidbits, and i did try to read summaries of any debates (since i missed every one of them so far, argh), and i have to say....no one really stands out for me. i'm not enthralled or completely backing anyone. i do feel, though, and maybe this is bad, but i feel that the democrats are kind of trying to lose the election. nothing personal against hillary (hilary?) or obama, but.. a woman and a black man? i'm not prejudiced against either, but a heckuva lot of the country still is. and i'm not saying that's right, i'm just saying i'm not sure the rednecks are ready for that. and with bush's popularity rating oh so high, the democrats sort of had this election lock stock & barrel, had they proposed a solid, non-offensive candidate. and again, let me make clear that i am not offended by either candidate. but i think any chance the democrats had of getting some loose republicans to swing on over to their tree is a little far-fetched now. i don't know much, but what i hear on the streets (not as in 'the hood' but as in 'public opinion') seems to be that hillary is a bit of a bull dog, scary, and not someone people want running our country. i personally can say that i'm not really sure i respect her, because her husband cheated on her, the entire world found out, and she stayed with him. i mean, i guess that's good marriage values. but what happened to girl power? why are all the feminists backing her after she was used and abused (metaphorically, of course) by her husband and she stayed with him? and what i hear about obama is that he's too inexperienced. to which i sardonically ask, how does one get experience to be the president short of, you know, being the president? (and to which you all equally sardonically respond, spend more time in politics than 10 minutes, you 12-year-old (obama).)

so. those are my meaningless thoughts on politics, because as aforementioned, i admit i don't pay a lot of attention to these things. i've been trying though lately. and these are just some observations. i'm sort of bracing myself for a long explanation of why i'm wrong from kate, who is staunchly democratic and usually very sound in her logic, so i will probably learn a lot from it, hahah. (anyone else with ideas is certainly welcome to share them, not just kate.)

cape cod

i'm really sorry i'm not better at this. i know it's been a long time since my last update, but in my defense, we've been super busy at work lately and i don't have the internet at home. and what with hating my job with an unwavering passion, i don't want to spend any more time here than i absolutely have to, so if we're done with work -- usually after i'm supposed to be gone anyway -- i am not going to stay here to update. which then leaves me with 'well i hope i'll have time tomorrow!' which never seems to happen. :-/

on an unrelated note, jon and i went to the cape this weekend with his cousin and her husband (coincidentally, jon's best friend) and her mom (slash jon's aunt). it's a little cottage in brewster that was built in like the 1800s or something -- i'm not really sure when, but it's very old, let's put it that way. it's quaint, you could definitely say. it's not luxury living, for sure, but it's all right for a weekend. no tv, no microwave, no air conditioning, outdoor shower, etc. that being said, the outdoor shower is actually quite nice, because it's a stone slab floor surrounded by wooden fencing, and they actually somehow managed to get good water pressure in it. and i'm tall enough to see peek over the top and catch a nice view of ocean. which is sweet, cause it's not everyday you get a direct view of the ocean while you're showering. it is right on the water, too, which is nice. well i guess technically it's up a small hill and you have to walk through like 3 seconds of woods and down like 15 stairs to get to the water. oh, the hardship!

it's weird to be on the cape not with my family and/or my grandparents. my grandparents have owned a place on the cape for... decades. and i've been going up there basically since i was born -- my mom used to spend her whole summers up there with her family when she was a kid/teen. consequently, my family used to go up every year at least once, if not more. so i've been going to the cape for about 23 years now, i'd say. and ironically enough, this place that i stayed at with jon's cousin (who use it through a friend from church) is like 10 minutes away from my grandparents' place. i figured this out last year when we went up and went to newbury comics (sweet freaking store) and it was right behind cooke's, my all-time favorite seafood restaurant that's about 5 minutes from my grandparents' house. and then this time, we drove from cooke's to wings, a sweet tourist-y type beach store with cape cod memorabilia, sweatshirts, tshirts, bathing suits, beach towels, etc, which actually brings us right past my grandparents' street. which is a little weird, a little surreal. to be there but not be going there. to be in town, on the cape, and have my mom and my grandmother (who until like last year spent her whole summers on the cape still) not be there. to be on a beach, but not my beach. (because it is, clearly, my beach.)

we got more accomplished that i wanted to this time than last year. newbury comics? check. cooke's? check. sea gull beach? check. wings? check. pirate's cove mini golf? CHECK! freaking sweetest mini golf place EVER. talk about attention to detail! there is a freaking hole ON A SHIP, in water. they made a small pond, then built a ship in it, then put a hole on it. this place got so busy that they built a second 18 holes behind the first. just to split the crowds. because it is so freaking amazing. they use REAL rocks instead of stupid painted styrofoam like they do in ct. seriously, this place puts ct mini golf places to SHAME. it is just so ridiculously detailed and completely amazing. it's an experience, there's no other way to put it. and that's how mini golf should be, damnit! they actually built a small cafe/store next door to their mini golf courses, and it is chock full of all sorts of pirate things.

jon bought this shirt:

hahha. freaking great. we also bought a sign that says 'keep out! pirates only' for our front door and a sign that says 'poop deck' for .. well .. take a guess. (we're classy!) so yeah. here is the link, and you should go look at the pictures, although i have to say, they TOTALLY don't do it justice. like, impossibly so. because it is such an amazing place. so. link. http://www.piratescove.net/location/9

so it was pretty cool to be on the cape again. weird, though, to be running around places i've known since i was a kid and not be there with my family. also weird to try to figure out where to go -- i've been, as i said, to these place since i was a kid, but not that often since i've been of driving age. so trying to figure out where to go can certainly be interesting at times. next year i think i want to try to find hyannis main street. and go to red rose beach. i'll take my personal landmarks a couple at a time, i guess, haha.

so aside from a monopoly incident (and when is there NOT an incident when monopoly is played?) and getting a bit lost on the way back (even though jon's best friend told us 'you can't mess it up.' ...wrong. we did.), it was a good trip, i'd say. we actually had quite a nice date night by accident, cause i wanted to go to cooke's (the best seafood, ever. i think i mentioned that, but it's worth mentioning again) but jon's cousin & aunt can't eat it. and jon doesn't like it, but he came and got chicken fingers, haha. but so we went there, and then we went to my beach so i could show him.. even though it was dark. :-/ better than nothing, i guess. and then we decided to go play mini golf (see aforementioned pirate's cove ravings), and so by the time we got home, it was like 11 at night. accidental date nights are swell, though, it was nice to see jon for a couple minutes. i only see him 8 days a month, and so often lately it's been running around to one thing or another. so it was nice to actually just hang out and have fun. i had almost forgotten how much fun he is! =P

but now it's back to the grind. stupid work. stupid new system. stupid coworkers. stupid...everything about this job! soon it will be the weekend, and then we are going to help my dad move his couch saturday morning and go to lunch, and then go to dinner with my mom and possibily his mom and brother, and then sunday we are moving the rest of my dad's stuff (he wanted the couch in before everyone showed up sunday) into his new house. and i still have no idea if i'm working monday or not yet. we're well organized, if you can tell.

i'm still rereading 'a breath of snow and ashes' -- i know, it's taking me forever! i really haven't been reading it all that much. it's making me pine for the rest of the books, although actually just for certain scenes. but i'll take the whole books. i actually really want to reread book 5 ('the fiery cross') cause i only read it like once before i loaned it to someone. so i am not as up on that book as i should be. plus, i have been thinking, book 6 isn't really my favorite. i think she spanned too much time in it, and it gets a bit boring at times. i'm hoping book 7 will have more action in it, less 'oh, four months passed. it snowed. then another six months passed. we harvested the hay. now it's summer again.' the book has its good parts, but a lot of it is the same -- 'they felt it coming.' 'they knew it was coming.' 'the time had come.' 'they could feel it in the air; something was coming.' ...no shit. we know. let's move toward it, shall we? so i'm at page 535 of 978, and i probably won't be done any time soon. i'm just not putting that much effort into it. but i am also, to be fair, trying to stretch it out a bit -- i am hoping against hope that there is a book 7 out there somewhere. book 6 was published in 2005, so hopefully book 7 is already printed. and the reason i'm stretching it out is because my birthday is sept. 20, and i am hoping i will get some money so i can go buy the book. it's possible it's not out yet and i'll just be sad, but then i can cheer myself up by buying other assorted books. i'm torn between trying to find out now and waiting until my birthday. i think i might look it up after i finish book 6 -- if i know now, i'll just try to speed through book 6 and then have to wait a month. and we all know how i do with patience.

well. luckily for me, it is now time to go on home. which, as aforementioned, means the end of this post, because i have no internet at home. that may be remedied soon -- jon's payments for his truck are ending, so we've been throwing around the idea of -- gasp! -- getting cable tv (WOOT to no more having only 3 fairly-to-very fuzzy channels!) and internet.
sort of overwhelming, if you think about it. we haven't had cable or internet since april. it seems like so much longer than it actually is, but when you've had both for all of your life, it's sort of a harsh reality. i mean, sure, i've lived, it's been fine. i'm doing all right. but i won't lie -- i like having the option of watching tv or looking something up online. i like having the luxury. i can live without it, but i don't necessarily want to.

either way, it's still time to go home.

all things scotland

i have been ridiculously obsessed with all things scottish lately. i have been missing it so badly! my first terrible decision was to watch a video my mom had found for me at some sale -- 'touring scotland' -- yeah, i was crying within minutes of starting it. oof. just made me miss it more than normal, which is already a lot! and now i've been wearing a necklace and earrings that i got in scotland and were given to me from scotland (respectively), and that just makes me think of it. and then i watched braveheart -- except the crappy vhs version which is two tapes so you have to get up and switch it in the middle, ahahha -- which was awesome. i forgot how good that movie is! how much it stirs my scottish blood, hah. ALSO, how mel gibson was NOT always a crazy looking old anti-semitic drunk man. he looks good in braveheart. and he played the part brilliantly. i am totally in love with him in this movie.. it's one of two that i ever really liked him in, the other being maverick. also a good movie. but anyway. braveheart reminded me of -- obscure book reference here, although i know most of you have read them, haha -- the outlander novels, because his william wallace reminded me a lot of jamie -- who, for those who don't know, is a character in said novels. quick synopsis: the books are set in the 1950s/60s until suddenly claire ends up transported back to 1750s/60s scotland, where she ends up meeting (and marrying) jamie. so then they're set around the battle of culloden, of which she obviously has forewarning since she knows what happened, being from the 'future' and all. and then eventually they move to america and are currently, in the last book, trying to survive the american revolutionary war. but they are still scottish and surrounded by scots. so. since the movie reminded me of the books, i am now rereading the last book (a breath of snow and ashes), although if it's actually the last book i don't know -- she may have put out another book by now. but i can't afford it if she has, so i am just going to wait until probably my birthday (sept. 20) to figure that out, because hopefully i can then go buy it with birthday money, woot!

so yeah. obsessed with all things scotland. missing it terribly. watching 'william wallace' run around the highlands made me cry, because they're so beautiful and haunting and lovely and .. i want to be there. i want to run around the highlands.

although there was one problem -- some of the movie was set in edinburgh, and they talked about the castle. now, i know that in the 12/1300s, the castle certainly didn't look like it does now, but they didn't even pretend, i don't think. unless the castle has been knocked down and completely rebuilt, which, i suppose, is possible, they didn't even try. cause what they showed looked nothing like any part of the castle that's there nowadays. not knowing my edinburgh castle history, i suppose it could have been completely redone, but that seems unlikely. although in random trivia, did you know the castle is built on an old volcano? and that people settled there as early as 800 ad? i thought that was pretty cool to know.

either way, i miss it so bad. jon came back from a red sox game in boston awhile ago and was talking about how he forgot how much he loved boston, just how everything felt right again when he was there. and that's how i feel about edinburgh/scotland. everything just felt right. i was happier than i'd been in a long time, and while i do love jon, i don't love my life (aka, my job, cause that's all i have since the hours i work make it impossible to see anyone and/or do anything), so i'd say i haven't been that happy since either. i know scotland wouldn't fix all my problems, but.. i just felt right there. if it wasn't so far away, i'd move there in a heartbeat. but i know i'd miss my family and friends. i've played the move away game, and it was fun because it wasn't permanent, you know? if i could just lasso scotland and bring it closer -- or maybe lasso the united states and move it closer, scotland is fine where it is -- i would totally move there. in a second. in less than a second. in a nanosecond.

for those of you who don't know, this is edinburgh castle:

and this is the skyscape:

so the castle is in there in the back right, and the short steeple on the left (not the super tall spiny one, the more left one) is about 10 seconds from where i lived. no exaggeration.

for good measure, this is buddy mulligans, one of our favorite pubs:

note biddy's there in the bottom corner (right-ish, with the green shade) and the castle up above it. it's quite a trip to stumble out of a bar drunk, look up, and see a castle. but one of my favorite trips. woot!

and this is a picture of the highlands, a la kate:

sigh. can i go home yet?

i forgot one..

yeah. i knew this would happen!

i guess i did actually sort of touch on it, cause i said go to australia and new zealand. but specifically, i want to scuba dive/snorkel at the great barrier reef.

..also on the list should be get my scuba diving license. i'm not really sure how much i'll love scuba diving, cause underwater stuff terrifies me. i have no idea why. but i'm thinking shallow-ish water, light, clear water, i should be okay. i just won't go in any creepy, dark places, haha.

again, i'm sure there's more, but. right now at least i am way too lazy to think about them.

work is still the boo. everyone's all sorts of cranky cause of the new software systems, and so i'm just listening to music all day. on the plus side, this prompted me to update my ipod with my fall out boy (infinity on high) cd and my the all-american rejects (move along) cd, and to just plain charge it. since we don't have internet, i don't really use my computer for a whole lot. so it's kind of a pain to turn it on just to charge my ipod, so i've been going without. but it's much nicer than cds cause a) i am not attached to my computer. with cds, i have to be headphone-d to my pc, which means the music has to stop when i need to get up, which is often. b) cds end way too quickly and so i have to listen to them repeatedly or bring like 10 to work. which gets annoying. and c) i have more variety with the ipod. shuffle is my friend! i can go from metallica to fall out boy to under the sea (heck yeah, the little mermaid!) to britney (yes, i know, i'm properly ashamed) to... you get the idea. it's a lovely mixture.

also lovely is the fact that i am done so i can get the flock outta here.
woot!

dun dun DUN

well. i may or may not have enough time to accomplish my list, but i'm going to give it a try.

i should note that these entries will be in no particular order. not of importance, of time to be done by, or even by alphabetical order. which might drive you (and me) crazy, but maybe i'll fix it up later. cause i'm sure i'll be adding to it, so what's the difference now? this is just my first draft.

-- learn gaelic. how freaking sweet would it be to go to the highlands of scotland and converse with people in gaelic? honestly.
-- go back to scotland. (duh)
-- visit greece; specifically, athens, sparta, the oracle at delphi, ... okay that list could go on a lot. i guess i should amend this to 'spend a lot of time in greece.'
-- go back to venice and go to murano; watch glass-blowing. buy blown glass. love it.
-- drink a pint of guinness in ireland. and a pint of smithwick's. and then an irish black & tan (smithwick's and guinness. so tasty!). and maybe some bailey's too. or whatever their local irish cream is.
-- go to egypt; see all the various ancient landmarks. the pyramids, cairo, the other places i can't think of right now. think 'the mummy,' but hopefully without undead creatures threatening my life. although it would spice up the trip, i suppose...
-- learn to ride a horse. and if i like it, buy a horse. a clydesdale. cause they're scottish! and pretty. and big! i want a black stallion with white poofs at his feet and white detailing (hahaha like a car? i dunno what it's called). of course, that's supposing i like riding horses. i've only ever been in the same place as them once, and they were super big and a little scary. and i'm told they sense fear. so i guess i need to overcome my fear of them as well. possibly even first, as in, before i learn to ride them.
-- learn to rock climb. and then go rock climbing. i'm afraid of heights so this should be interesting, but i think it would be too cool of a thing to not do just because of a stupid fear. so again, overcome fear of heights. possibly by rock climbing. there is a method to my madness, i swear.
-- climb a mountain that is not the most death-defying mountain ever. just maybe a good landmark. a climb that will challenge but not likely kill.
-- hike mount washington. i hate those bumper stickers that say 'this car climbed mount washington!' all that says to me is 'i'm a lazy ass and instead of hiking and enjoying the scenic outdoors and getting some exercise, i drove my fat ass up a mountain to cheat and see the view for no hard work in return!' (which is, you may note, considerably longer. maybe that's why it's not on a bumper sticker?)
-- go to australia and new zealand. honestly, i first wanted to go because that's where xena was filmed, and it's beautiful. then i wanted to go because of crocodile dundee. and then i wanted to go because a friend studied abroad there and loved it so much she went back for grad school. that kind of passion makes me curious to see what it's like, you know?
-- go to alaska. i've heard it's beautiful there. i'd like to go snowshoeing. skiing. etc. snow sports in general.
-- learn to fly a plane. my grandfather used to own a plane, and he's always told us stories about flying, and it's always made me want to do it.
-- learn to fly a helicopter. it just seems cool. and people who can afford helicopter rides are rich, so maybe if i was a pilot i'd be rich too? by proxy? haha.
-- go to arizona to visit my cousin. and to see it. i've heard it's pretty cool looking, so i guess after i get over my excitement of seeing my cousin, i'll start to look around. and play an rpg (role-playing game) with her so i can finally understand what they are and how they work.
-- ski in colorado. i mean really. is this not a skier's dream?
-- try snowboarding. i make no promises to like it or continue learning it, but i would like to try it once and see if i like it.
-- go skydiving. once. more, if i like it. i've always wished i could fly, and here's a genuine chance, no?
-- take a road trip cross-country. i'd kind of like to do it while i'm young, but if i have to settle for old/retired and in an rv, i can accept that. life doesn't end after retirement, damnit!
-- hike the appalachian trail. i dunno if i'll ever be financially stable enough to not work for a couple months while i do this, so this one's kind of a long shot, but i think it would be an awesome experience.
-- go to summer camp. okay, so i won't really have an opportunity to do that now that i'm not a kid, which will always make me sad, but maybe i can do it when i have a family.. have us all go to some family resort-ish-camp-ish place. like in dirty dancing, but for normal (not rich) people. it won't be quite the same, but i yearn a little for a camp experience.
-- learn to cook/bake. or at least master a few recipes. i can cook general food, and i make bangin faJitas, but i'd like to have a good repertoire of recipes. maybe not super complicated things, but, say, raspberry bars. i don't know how to make them now, and i'd like to know.
-- make the homemade kahlua my mom gave me a recipe for. sweet!
-- shoot a (hand)gun. and become proficient at it. i'm not in love with the fact that guns exist, but i am facing the facts that they DO exist. and if for some reason i ever need to defend myself and happen to find a gun to use -- all of which hopefully won't happen, but still -- i'd like to know how to use it. if it's me or them, i pick me.
-- ride a motorcycle. as a passenger. and not a stupid crotch rocket! and only with someone i trust, because motorcycles seem so very scary to me. so maybe on a back road, or even a parking lot. very slowly. i'd just like to see what it's like. and if i like it, drive a motorcycle. and if i really, really, really like it, own a motorcycle.
-- join a rugby team again.
-- and a soccer team.
-- go to indiana (or wherever she's living when i can afford this...) and visit audrey.
-- go to nj (or wherever she's living when i can afford this...) and visit vicky. and see her apartment!
-- i already said go back to scotland; implied in that was visit sarah & iain.
-- return to new hampshire often. i like it there. and that's where enslin and jeanette are!
-- okay, let's just say visit all of my friends that don't live close to me.
-- go to d.c. and see the holocaust museum. and go inside the damn washington monument! stupid thing was closed for construction when i was there. grr. and see d.c. sights. (and visit kate and carrie!)
-- go to a ranch in montana and ride horses. (yeah, i should accomplish my earlier goal of 'overcome fear of and then learn to ride horses' first.)
-- see the rocky mountains. possibly hike/climb them?
-- go on a safari in africa. so cool!
-- get back into photography; possibly sell photos. have a darkroom.

okay. i'd say that's good for now. i'm sure there's plenty more i'd like to accomplish in my life, but i think i've got a good starting base now.
<3