it sucks to live where i live

there is a dearth of jobs around me. okay, i guess that's technically lying. there are jobs. but there are no journalism jobs. and there are no jobs i have any qualifications for. and apparently the market is especially terrible right now, because all i did was put in my zip code -- no job specifications -- and the first job on the list -- so, the closest -- was in a town 45 minutes away.
what?
you're kidding, right?

booooo. i just searched journalismjobs.com, jobsinct.com, careerbuilder.com, monster.com, hotjobs.com, workct.com (okay, it doesn't exist yet, but i tried, anyway), craigslist.com.. even some random site my cousin sent me. and i found? a fat lot of nothing. i found a couple prospects....in colorado. and hawaii. for much more money than i'm making now, too.

so that begs the question, would i move? the urge is hitting more and more lately. it's been awhile since i've picked up and run away -- cause that's sort of what it is, isn't it? we can disguise is as an adventure, a change, something new.. but aren't we running away, maybe just a little? think about it, when do you first leave -- after high school, when you finally become an adult and can get the hell outta dodge. sound familiar? yeah, you and your cousin, everybody and their mom. the next time i left after that is when i went to scotland, and i don't think getting away was a conscious reason behind leaving, but i definitely needed to get away. i was feeling stale and bored and unhappy, and i didn't like the person i was becoming as a result of those feelings. and i can honestly say i think i liked myself the best i had in years when i was in scotland, because i was happy. and being happy makes you a better person. misery breeds misery, and all that.. it works the opposite way too. pay it forward, remember that movie? it's really true. i love those commercials that show how a good mood or a bad mood can spread like disease, cause they're so true.
so, returning to the (actual) topic at hand.. would i move? i don't know. it never really fixes all your problems. it helps, sometimes. i don't know about other people, but sometimes i feel like i'm stuck in a rut and i desperately need to get out. moving definitely helps that.. but eventually i'll feel that way again. what am i gonna do, move every couple years? i'm hoping traveling often can help quell my wandering instinct, cause it would be a pain in the ass to uproot every couple years.
aside from that, there's the family and friends aspect. i was thinking about it the other day, and mostly i'd miss my family. my dad, my mom, and my brother, and then my grandparents -- but they're the only family i'm really close to that are in ct. i've got cousins in arizona & maryland, one in florida. i've got a grandmother in florida. aunts and uncles in maryland, florida, arizona.
but friends? i've still got a couple here that i'd miss, but too many are gone or never lived here in the first place. i feel closer to some people that live far away than people in my own state. i never see anyone here anyway, so what's the difference if i actually live here or not?
but where would i go? i'd still die to move to colorado. i could maybe manage dc, although i don't really want to go hotter. if i'm going hotter, i want to go to hawaii. i'm sure jon would pee himself to live in boston again (and under happier circumstances than the last time he lived there for a few months, not being 21 and in a terrible relationship), but i feel sort of bored by that. edinburgh? i'd cry, so happy. but is it too far? i'd randomly go to montana, but jon doesn't want to. i could go to maryland, with the small wealth of family conglomerated there.
the where would i go question also begs the question do i light out on my own into an unknown area (and by on my own i mean with jon, not actually by myself) or do i go somewhere i know i have at least one friend? it's harder to meet people once you're out of school, so it's tricky to move somewhere -- you might find yourself all alone, and then what problems are you solving? sweet adventure, hanging out all by yourself.
so what to do? continue to fall into this stupid void of hating my job, not being able to afford life, never seeing anyone, not being able to accomplish the things i want to accomplish, not liking who i am, not liking what i do.. wait until i find something else in this area -- and i've been looking for over a year now? or do i bite the bullet and move somewhere? would missing my family be worth it? i'm reasonably sure i could talk the few true friends i have left here into coming to visit me. but would occasional visits from family be worth it? i love going to the bar on sundays with my dad & brother to watch the giants play. i like going shopping with my mom. i like being able to call them up and say hey let's get together for dinner.
but i feel so stale here. i need a change. i am hoping changing my job will help chase away that panic, that i-need-to-break-out-of-this feeling, because i have felt it coming and it's not stopping. i keep wanting to say 'i can't take this much longer,' but i have no idea what would happen next. i don't know what to do except endure and wait and try to make the best of it. what happens? do i have a mental breakdown? do i run screaming out of my apartment half-dressed and run down the road until someone stops me? do i tear my hair out? do i start drinking uncontrollably? none of these seem like acceptable options, and yet, the thought of staying at this job, staying in my life, .. i don't want to.
i want to leave. i want to go somewhere new and start over. i want a do-over. and the logical part of my brain reminds me that it won't solve my problems. but i still want it. i need a change, so very badly. i need a break from this miserable-ness.

on the plus side, i have thursday and friday off because my birthday is thursday and i didn't want to be sucked into the black hole on my birthday. so at least i get a four-day weekend, in which i have requested a home-cooked meal -- complete with grandparents and brother & his gf -- from mom on saturday and then another home-cooked meal -- complete with dad's fiancee & her sister, soon-to-be stepbrothers and possibly brother & gf -- from dad on sunday. i think mom's is going to be a pork roast, and i know dad's is going to be ribs. he makes the best ribs in the world, literally (well, my mom does too, but i'm fairly certain the recipe is dad's). they cook them for houuuurs so the meat just falls off the bone. actually. it really does. they are so delicious. and mom's pork roast is exxcellent. and i also requested green bean casserole (my very favorite!) and possibly carrots cooked in maple syrup (substitute some maple syrup for water: soo tasty. sweetens 'em right up). mmmm.
we're also going to the big e either thursday or friday, so that'll be fun too. so. i am hoping my fair-, family- and (home-cooked) food-filled (holy alliteration, batman) weekend will go some ways toward helping with the tear-out-my-hair-scream-til-my-throat-hurts restless stale-ness.

side note, i looked up 'alliteration' to make sure it was the word i thought it was, and an example was "apt alliteration's artful aid" and i am now in love with that phrase. i love alliteration.

on another side (yet unrelated) note, check out the video for "rockstar" by nickelback. it's a funny song, and the video's good.. a good mix of regular people and random rock (and other kinds of) stars singing along. entertaining.

and to wrap it all up.. i dunno, i got nothing. i am looking up some perseverance quotes and i've found the standard -- once you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on, etc -- but i do like this one:
Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. ~Newt Gingrich

and these two:
If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking. ~Buddhist Saying
I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. ~Author Unknown

and i don't get this one at all:
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum. ~Author Unknown
..what is that telling you? give up on your dreams? in times of hardship, make sure you clean. i think it's supposed to mean start over, but.. eh. i think it's silly.

but i do like these two:
Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second. ~William James
Big shots are only little shots who keep shooting. ~Christopher Morley

and with that, i bid you adieu. good morning, world, i am going to bed.